Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*