This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
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Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.