This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
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Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”