When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!