My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
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[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
Me: how are you
Friday: good
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single