Me: how are you
Friday: good
![]()
You Might Also Like
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
![]()
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
![]()
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!