Me: how are you
Friday: good
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Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.