Me: how are you
Friday: good
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Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
what is cheese if not milk persevering
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
