Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
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83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.