Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
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Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor