neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
*Inspirational Tweets*
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.