Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.