Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
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My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
This hospital has everything
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father