Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
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At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”