@KattsDogma

It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.

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@SkinnieTalls

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

@circlejokes

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

@EZ_G

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

@mrjohntofu

Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.

@HomeProbably

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

@junejuly12

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

@chimneyspotter

ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best

@stacieooooo

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

@GrantTanaka

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

@aworldinpages

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.