My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
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I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Him: I really like your car
H: What is it?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.