Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
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me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.