Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave