Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop