βDid he just do that by himself?β πΉ π π
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Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers heβs in America* i have an apartment tire
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
As my dog lovingly stares at me as Iβm buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Me: Iβm here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, youβre here for neither.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes youβre hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: whereβd he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like βno love?β Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, thatβs just been the characterβs name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, βNamor,β the child without love!
My dad:
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Me: Iβll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Maβam, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
ME: Iβd like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.