@toastymoe

One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

You Might Also Like

@24HourBitching

Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…

@PyrBliss

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

@PS_IRuddYou

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

@IanDunt

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

@nevernicethings

*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*

@Swishergirl24

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

@envydatropic

I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.

@HatfieldAnne

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

@ceejoyner

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

@robin_991

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?