One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
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Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
I self medicate, therefore you live.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”