One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…

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Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…


The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.


This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…


So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.


*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*

*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*


If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.


I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.


“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.


Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.


6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?