Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The biggest mystery of our time
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Does this dress make me look cat?
I hate everything
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Pringles
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.