Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
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Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Spring cleaning checklist…
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
My kitchen overserved me.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.