There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…