There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.