@NottaBigDeal

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

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@ilovepie84

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.

@1par8head

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

@ddsmidt

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

@ozzyunc

Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.

@armyVet1972

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

@GrantTanaka

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

@simoncholland

Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.