@ilovepie84 When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
@NottaBigDeal There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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@ilovepie84 
@ilovepie84 Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
@NoTheOtherJohn Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
@1par8head Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
@ddsmidt Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
@ozzyunc Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
@armyVet1972 Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
@GrantTanaka Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
@VashWdsUnspoken Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
@simoncholland Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.