There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
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It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.