In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
You Might Also Like
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.