Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
You Might Also Like
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Me My dog
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.