Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
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Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Schrödinger’s cookie
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?