Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
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We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency