landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
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it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Venn
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.