[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.