[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
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Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
*looks at you in batman voice*
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up