teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
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*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
mentally somewhere in italy
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye