My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
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[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex