18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
describing stardew valley
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.