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I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”