I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her