I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Okay, I’m still confused…
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”