interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
I’m sure it’s fine.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.