If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

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I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday


The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.


Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.


*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*


Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.


I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.


[Shop class]

Satan: Whatcha makin’?

God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?

Satan: A bong.