*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
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Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
this is uni
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.