You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
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What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*