I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.