I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
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The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
🙁
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Check out the legs on this baby
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.