spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Does your wife know you’re single?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.