@YesThatAmy

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

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@OhHellsYes

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

@scootergonscoot

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

@shatty48

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

@PinkCamoTO

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

@TheRealPalMal

Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:

“He’s showing signs of improving”

“He’s a beast”

“He just has to keep those interceptions low”

“It’s been a wild season”

“Yeah they’re so stacked”

“Yeah that offensive line”

Lol I don’t know shit about football.

@julescategory5

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

@Shade510

Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.

Leftover Pie: