Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
O Wise One….
