Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
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You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife