My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
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[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.