The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole