ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
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Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*watches the world burn*
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
grotesque if literal: baby food
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!