I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Ooh I do like a good funnel
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.