ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
can’t catch a break
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED