(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
You Might Also Like
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Its a hippotatomus
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.