Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
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Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Banana is the quietest snack
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.