[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
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Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months