mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend
ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Me: Nope. No way.
[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant