Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*